Today, I realized a painful truth. Today, I realized I am not living up to the role of being an older sister. Today, I realized I am failing as a sister. I have not been loving upon my sister and brother the way that one ought to. That my desire to be so deeply involved in my own adventures has taken me farther away from siblings adventures. Today, I realized that hundreds of miles can take away physical closeness, but emotional closeness is possible from anywhere in the world. No matter how far apart, I am able to maintain a relationship with my siblings as long as the commitment and desire is there.
Confession time - The desire was there. The commitment was not.
My brother has been living in Utah for the past 3 years - pursuing his education, working, and living the college dream. For the past 3 years I have been able to see him twice a year, once in the summertime and once at Christmas. The first year was a struggle. I missed being around him. I missed laughing at shows on TV. I missed all the little things. But slowly as you begin to obtain a more mature view on the situation, you realize that this is what life looks like now. This is what we have to work with. We have to make the best of this. And so instead of being sad of his absence, I miss him in a different way. I miss him, but I also know he is having the time of his life in Utah. In a way, I have learned to live with the distance. I understand that it's part of life. I accept it. And I look forward to the time I get to spend with him while he is home.
Things are different now. We are not children anymore. We are not all sleeping under the same house at the end of the day. We did for 18 years, and I now understand the comfort that brought me. I understand that the consistency of that is not something that is found in every family. I am thankful for that. Being under the same roof means spending time together - whether you like it or not. Maybe just in passing. Maybe forced. Maybe just watching tv together in the evening. Going from spending a lot of time together, to spending only a little time together a couple times a year is a huge change. And after going through this with my brother, I am now experiencing the same thing with my sister.
My sister is a year and a half younger than me, and she is going to college in Southwest ohio - about 3 hours away from my parents house. While this is relatively close compared to where my brother is, today I realized just how much I miss my sister.
Growing up, I would say we were always close. We refused to sleep in different beds when we were kids so we shared a bed until I was 7 (she was 5). I still remember telling her stories to help her fall asleep. I have all these memories of us growing up together - being involved in the same sport, "liking" the same boys, hanging with each others friends and being mad when we did. Of course there was lots of fighting, I'd say more so in high school. Wearing each others clothes without asking was a HUGE no no, and there was a guaranteed fight if we broke that rule. All of these things that seemed so significant, suddenly are nothing but funny and wonderful memories for me.
Today, we talked on the phone for awhile. While talking on the phone, I realized I have let my sister down. This is her freshman year of college - when everything is new, fun, sometimes scary, and her older sister should be there for her through it. I should be offering her advice and reminding her to have fun and to be safe, to not kiss too many boys. I should be holding her when someone hurts her heart or takes her from granted. I haven't been there for her. And realizing that just today, kills me.
I allowed selfishness and jealousy consume my emotions. The tormenting thoughts of comparison - telling me lies of how much better her life is than mine. How I could never be that happy. That I am not that good enough. Lies, lies, lies.
The truth - I have an incredibly beautiful, smart, thoughtful, funny younger sister whom I absolutely love and adore. The truth is I have let those thoughts of jealousy and comparison dictate my relationship with her. The truth is I am capable of being the loving, trusting, and thoughtful sister that she so deserves. Love, love, love.
Love whispers truth. Hate whispers lies.
And so the desire is there. The commitment is now there. What am I committed to? I am committed to being closer with my siblings. To creating depth in our relationship. To creating that inseparable closeness that we had as children. To bringing back that child-like love I had for my siblings, where giggles at farts were a common thing. I want those things. And I am deeply aware of the fact that it is not something I can do on my own. The commitment has to be on both sides of the street in order for it flow smoothly. I also think that at some point, it becomes fluent and natural, and it goes from being a commitment to being life.
I want to love her more. I want to love my brother more. I want to live my life in the truth. I want bring love into other peoples lives. I want to love my siblings well.
